Morning my friend!
It has been a while. I have something on my mind are you free?
I am confused, very very confused.
But before we get there I think you need some context, so get comfortable 🙂
At the start of this year I came out of a very emotionally charged relationship. I did not handle the separation as well as either of us would have liked and I found myself making pretty selfish decisions the further I began to spiral down the road of depression. This eventually culminated in my so called existential crisis. Which not so coincidentally resulted in the formation of this blog.
My global electronic invitation to you to my collective pity party!
But no seriously,
Let us not mince words you and I both know by know that I am somewhat self involved.
In fact most of us are. But let’s deal with that a little bit later no?
So our relationship came at a time when we were both particularly emotionally vulnerable and uncertain about our respective futures. Which is of course the perfect foundation of a healthy relationship. We sought comfort in one another for this reason.
Looking back I think part of the joy of having a partner for me was my relentless desire to make her happy, it really helped simplify my thinking. I did not have to address many things about myself because I had someone to “look after”.
It was a perfect excuse, a crutch.
Yes “I… I… I…”
See what “I” mean? So conceited.
C’est la vie.
… So now that I’ve been let go.. And now that I’ve let go I have started to look at myself quite frankly in the mirror and ask..
“Why are you not happy? And what do you want exactly?”
These are difficult questions to grapple with for anyone and everyone but they’re important and necessary all the same.
I’ve come to a few realizations through this process and the first of course is well known by this point, I am self loathing. This I think stems largely from my difficulty with accepting and embracing – or even understanding! – my identity.
But don’t get me wrong it’s not that I do not love myself, anyone who has ever seen me get ready to go out can attest to that.
It’s more that I don’t trust myself. My decisions and my motivations. I am forever re-looking and reevaluating, ready to catch myself in the act of hypocrisy. And in all honesty I trust others even less.
I have been raised to respect authority… and to hold a high regard for the “educated” and all those who pursue the noble cause of intellectualism. Little did I know that these spaces could offer me very little consensus. Little did I know that they could not be trusted. In fact I cannot be trusted.
As you can imagine.. if you spend too much time thinking like that, it can get a bit much..
But it’s one of those things that once you “see” it, there is no turning back.
This process however is helping me firmly take hold of one indisputable fact.
I am a hypocrite.
And I draw strength from that acknowledgement. Today I will endevour to be less of a hypocrite than I was yesterday.
The next struggle however is of course the authenticity of the “self” that I am looking to construct. This is something we can chat about when I’ve given it more thought.
So, after wallowing in self pity for a bit, through the help of those who have been kind to me in my fragile moments I have come understand that my very being is inextricably linked with yours, my friend. I am not happy because I cannot reconcile what I believe to be right with my own actions and with the world that I have no control over. I have made an error. To internalize this feeling protecting myself from vulnerability blinded from the realization that my happiness is linked to yours, my friend.
We all carry a burden, for some it is heavier than others, but only through working together can we lightening the load off each others backs.
We all have the world on our shoulders. The world of our own construction, in our hearts and minds.
So let’s revel in our imperfections.
Dance in the rain
Let us work together.
Let us seek truth.
Let us balance the load.
Let us hold our worlds proudly on our shoulders.
Let us add value to each others lives.
Let us endevour to understand one another.
And let us be free.
Yes. You and Me. Let us be free.